So, it’s been a while! I’ve not written for a long time, nearly 4 months, I’m not sure why, I just haven’t felt motivated… however, I just read a post by Nicola Slawson that really inspired me! Very much worth reading as very very true and about Single people at Christmas.
Do you sometimes feel that you spend so much time looking at what you want/need for the future, that you forget about enjoying life now? I am starting to realise that im missing out on the present, I am not living in the moment as I’m too busy looking ahead.
Currently all my focus is about how the CV19 situation is going to effect me in the future – but what about the present? It’s feels like life is on pause, but in reality it’s still my life and I need to find a way to enjoy it in the moment. Granted thats a lot tougher when you cant go out and meet new people!
I was asked the other day about when I was last really happy – sadly 2018 was my answer! I felt I was over the break up of my relationship and was ready to move on, I had a new sense of control and a belief I could make a change in my life and I was going to do so!
I left my job of 8 years at the end of 2017 – I loved the job, the company and the people but it had become a habit, a crutch of normality when the rest of my life had been thrown up in the air, so I left and started a new job in London. I decided I was going to meet loads of new people and enjoy life again. I also realised I hadn’t had a holiday since the split, so I said sod it and I just booked to go away on my own.
I didn’t want to go on a trip with some grey haired folk, following a guide with an umbrella, but I did want an adventure. I found a company called Flashpack that seemed to really have the market for what I was looking for – so I just booked it! A trip to Sri Lanka with a bunch of strangers! It was a blast – the stories are for another day but I met some great people and did things I never would have done before. When I returned home I had a new lease of life, a new strength and positivity. I then also booked two further trips with friends! Ibiza to party followed by Crete for sunbathing! I was making up for missing out in previous years. This was a great year, I felt I had really decided to enjoy the moment, have fun and just see what happens.
That year I also me a guy I now refer to as ‘Dick’ (aligned to his behaviour nothing else – hindsight is a wonderful thing!). Although I continued to enjoy the moment, being wined and dined, visiting cute little hotels for weekends away or new bars and restaurants for nights out, I started to think of the future again. We talked of a joint future and I was excited as all these things I had been waiting for were going to happen – it was like living in the moment and not focusing on the future had really paid off!
But, just as my focus on the future started to creep back in, the present started to fall apart and by the end of 2018 I was back to where I started. Literally, its a fact, the minute I focused on the future, it was like a reverted to an old version of me and it all went wrong. My present went tits up.
So, did I learn a lesson? I tried, I pressed restart and started 2019 with a renewed focus of living in the moment – I booked another trip with Flashpack, this time to South Africa, and again it was awesome (beyond awesome, the people know who they are!). I came back with that renewed vigour, I was going to get back to enjoying life. This time though something was different – it was like I was faking it, I wasnt really focused on the here and now, I was still worrying for my future but trying to trick myself into believing I wasnt! I think it was my fast approaching 40th birthday that made me struggle (see my post Living alone and Coronavirus)…
Anyway, I would like to say I snapped out of it and tried in 2020, arguably I did for a small moment (read One week in isolation…), but then along came Coronavirus!!
So what next? How do you focus on the here and now and not worry about the future? I know a lot of the mindfullness approaches are about feeling present and experiencing the moment, and there is lots written about how focusing on the present can really stop you from overthinking. Lets be honest, you never know whats round the corner, CV19 has shown you that, but maybe Coronavirus is also showing us that you really dont know what the future holds so just go with it?
If you are like me though, waking up to news of blockades and travel bans, restaurants and bars being closed, and the uncertainty of the future, then trying to enjoy the moment is tough! Especially as I enter a week that includes Xmas, NY and my birthday… in lockdown and living alone!!! But, maybe 2021 will bring change? Surely after 2020, it is guaranteed to be a good one! Bring it on!