Its about a week since Boris Johnson’s message for lock down… it had been expected but was still quite a daunting message – I live alone, and although I am OK with my own company, I do fear the unknown – how long will this last, and what impact will it have?
We see lots in the media about how to deal with the situation if you are older, vulnerable, have relationship issues, need to deal with home schooling – all very real concerns with people needing real support, but what about those who simply live alone? People who are staring at the same four walls day and night? People who have seen a huge change to their day to day lives?
Im working from home now and there is so much support being given, I am lucky to work there, but again, very little acknowledgement of those living alone – If I hear one more time that we should use this opportunity to spend quality time with our nearest and dearest then I will scream! They might as well be pointing a finger and saying ‘you loner’ over and over again!
I’m fit and healthy, and I am used to an active life – I have a good job where I commute into London, a good social life, regularly go to the gym (not regularly enough if you listen to my PT!) … but that has all stopped, suddenly, and the change is huge. I do know how lucky I am compared to others, but that doesn’t stop your mind wandering, the ‘what ifs’ and lots of unanswered questions.
How will I cope with the day to day? What if I get fat now I cant go to the gym? What if it stays like this forever? What if I run out of toilet roll? What happens if I get ill? What if I lose my mind?
And most importantly, whats happens to my plans for the future?
2020 as I had planned it…
I turned 40 in January – the year started with a party for my nearest and dearest, it was fancy dress, totally crazy and I had an awesome time! It was a great start to the year but who would think 2 months later, life would have changed so much.
I had been very worried about turning 40 – I always assumed by the time I turned 40 that I would have found the man of my dreams, settled down and had a bunch of kids. I still want that, so to hit 40 without that happening was a real slap in the face and makes me feel like I have failed some how.. I split with my long term boyfriend a few years ago and had been trying to enjoy life again, been travelling, changed my job, tried online dating (its not for me!), and fell in Love again (he turned out to be an arse!) but at the end of last year it started to dawn on me that 40 was approaching and in my mind that meant life was over!!
I decided to take control and take action to make my 40th year the best. The party was fantastic, people from all parts of my life, all coming together – with lots a Jagerbombs courtesy of the uni boys to make me regress 20 years! I was successful in getting a new job, and I started to really push myself to get out there to try and meet more people – all with the underlying aim of maybe making 40 the year I get the life I want – which I realised, ultimately, is that I don’t want to be on my own…
I have always valued independence, and I am extremely self sufficient. I’ve learnt to live my life relying only on myself – worked hard, good job, own house, my health, and friends around me. Looking back, I think I did this to make up for something missing and the fact is, I want to be able to rely on someone else for once.
So then along came Coronavirus and stopped me in my tracks. My biggest issue is lack of control – I literally cannot do anything myself to effect change here. I now have to deal with the fact my idea of what 2020 looks like has been changed significantly. I have a lot of time staring at the same four walls, a lot of time in my own head, no time with other humans and a lot of time praying that we don’t lose power and wifi!!!